Just Look What Thoughts Will Do

I some times think we humans are basically flawed. The reason I say this is when I think, and my mind does not really deal with what is present. That is this “Now” thought I am having immediately transforms into something it isn’t. It is mired in the circumstances of the my past memories and this “Me” I think I am.

My mind puts these memories on stage in front of my brain attaching them to my current thought, as if they are one. Most of the time I, being human, am really not aware of this happening. It just does.

It is so subtle.

While living in Austin I remember a program on the Local Austin Channel, which I would run across from time to time. There would be either this White haired Man, or Woman, they both had this same kind of show and they both did not look like they were old enough to have white hair. Anyway, they would be leading this group of people, who were sitting around them, in discussing different issues and problems each of them were having. The atmosphere was always in a very relaxed setting, like their living room, or lounge. It was real laid back. Regardless, any, repeat any, problem or questions these people may have had, they were always dealt with in the same way.

They would always be asked, in a soft almost monotone voice, what these problems and issue had to do with “Now”, at the present time. Then it was almost funny, they would just smile. the person would sit there dumbfounded, or if they did try to go on about this or that, they would be lead back to the present, and they would be confronted with the smiling face again. At the time it was like a big joke to me, even though there replies seemed to made sense. It was those smiles, and that peaceful feeling I sensed from them, that kinda threw me off. Now after all these years, I am just now beginning to understand what they were trying to say.

The bottom line is I do not take care of the real issue at hand and deal with it. The thought may have been began by some one saying something to me, or acting in a way that catches my attention. So I can respond, or just let the thought bounce around my mind a bit until it lodges itself somewhere in my grey matter. But while this thought retains my attention, it is Not what has just happened, but the past stuff my tricky mind has glommed on to it. It could be past stuff similar in nature to the original thought, maybe it something I think I have dealt with but never actually did or it could be just this illusion of who I think I am and the way he should deal with it. Or it could be a little of both.

This internal self made image, of what and who I think I am has been constructed over the years. Although i think of it as reality, it is not the same me that others see. I have formed this image from the past, and all the years we have lived. All the mannerly and proper ways of acting I was taught by my significant others. All the times people reacted positive, are what I thought was positive toward me. All the things I was also taught and punished for that I should not be or not act.

So, what do I do? Everything in my power to protect this self image, so it remains intact prolonging its internal immortality.

In doing so, I find this brain self caught up and reacting within the full range of emotions. Like fear of judgement, or and anger, the feeling of love and happiness. This all happens in almost a split second, especially when I find myself reacting to a situation, which can trigger any of these emotions.

Looking at the negative side of all this. If I continue reacting in this protective mode, I will to be defensive or become evasive. I will continue to protect this image and deny or depress the existence of these thoughts. Instead of dealing with them in the proper manner they should have been dealt with in the first place, but have been to blind to really see the reality of what is really happening.

I believe that all this can even cause illnesses like having headaches or backaches for no obvious reason. In the worst case, I suppose I could just go slowly into another world, lost in our own mind.

To overcome this mind game, I play on myself. I have to do some house cleaning, and soul searching to find these thoughts lost to me inside my head. Maybe better described as hiding from me, awaiting for the exact thought situation and then their moment of glory, attaching themselves to it.
All I can do is meditate daily reviewing the day somehow placing myself outside myself and looking back at it all as if watching a movie using fast forward catching the scene where they appear, then pause and reflect. Where did this thought come from? Why is it attaching itself to this situation? What part of my image am I trying to protedt? What is it I am not seeing? Once I have these types of answers I can put it away in the proper file in the attic of my mind if it is useful and was only twisted, or throw it out telling myself i do not need it.
I hope all your attics are neat and clean, mine is still a bit cluttered with unpleasant thoughts, which I have not dealt with in the proper manner. Don’t get me wrong I am not mad, like crazy, it is just that situations arise, where I stumble over them from time to time,
I have been trying to clean them up bit by bit, but it takes a lot of self examination, and stepping outside myself to see the errors of my ways. Then of course there is that trap again waiting for me to get lost in my past thoughts, disguising themselves as my present one.
I also believe thoughts are energy…. but that is another blog for another time.
“Just Look What Thoughts Will Do”, by Willie Nelson on his “To lefty From Willie” album.
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© Texas Tortilla Factory 2006 Mike Vauthier